My body is a cage. It has restricted me too much. I always felt that knowing myself more will make me fear myself more.
Why?
Why did I ever think that?
Why?
That thought couldn’t be more wrong. I have misunderstood myself forget misunderstanding others.
I don’t want anyone to expect the world from me because world is too big and I’m too small to contain it. But the biggest reason is that I’ve stopped expecting things from other people too.
I could be a good person and can do things for the other person without them asking but is that the ‘real’ me? Am I what I think I am? Or can I be pretentious and dissociative when the time calls for that?
Yes, it is the real me. There are always reasons why I do it but it completely is me there is no doubt about that. If it’s the real me it’s certainly not pretentious. And I do take responsibility for the things I do.
The one thing I can’t do is make choices and decisions easily. I’m too bad at that. But I don’t regret. I embrace my choices. Though it takes struggle, I survive.
I’m vocal. I’m shy. I give up. I don’t back down. I get despaired. I rise. I’m overwhelmed. I’m indifferent.
I’m a contradiction. A contradiction who knows there is not just black and white but multitudes of grey in between. There is no need for defining oneself as someone who is strictly one thing. One can be so many things at once. Ultimately, it’s like a pack of crayons. If one colour is missing it will be noticed. It’s important though it’s just 1/12th of the set.
I have my strengths and weaknesses both juxtaposed. I’m insecure, jealous and angry. But I’m empathic, straight forward and optimistic. But I won’t stay stay the way I am now. I’ll grow. But I’ll not grow alone. It would be me on the high road. Not just me but my people too. And that’s all I would ever want. Because happiness is having a comfortable life with the people I love. No car, no gold, no clothes are valuable enough without all my dears.
And now going to the past, I never consider anything as negative in itself. I never even regret anything as such. It seems everything happened for a reason. Even though the reason becomes clear much later. Come to think of it, this has made me a bit detached. Detachment isn’t good I learnt. But so is getting too emotional. The key must lie in being balanced.
And if I can get a time turner to go back. I don’t think I would. With every hurt and betrayal, I learnt a new lesson. So I would not like to change anything. Never.
I grew up when I didn’t listen to my mother. I grew up when I did too. And I also grew up while coming up with this piece which made me see myself in a better light.
By
Ayushi Sinha
Intern_Aatma Prakash